Letter #3
This is our third letter. We invite you to share your thoughts. It would be an act of generosity (see Letter #2) if you did. Signed, H and A, or A and H
Alfred: Hannah, are you sure we aren’t a newsletter—just a letter?
Hannah: Yes. We have no news, Alfred. We have thoughts.
Alfred: OK, Ms. Literal. What’s today’s thought? It’s your turn.
Hannah: I know. I’ve been thinking about this a lot.
Alfred: So you took this very seriously.
Hannah: Of course I did. We are asking people to read our words and, then to think about them. And people have no time, so it’s a big ask.
Alfred: Well then, let’s get to it!
Hannah: OK, I’ve been talking to myself about the theme, and I’ve been doing it out loud.
Alfred: Out loud? Really? Poor Ben. He has to hear you.
Hannah: Yes, but then I have to hear point by point all the drama of his tennis matches, so we’re even.
Alfred: Did he say anything to you as you were self talking?
Hannah: No, he just got annoyed. But then he added some helpful words to my idea.
Alfred: Ben seems to be able to always add a few helpful points.
Hannah: Yep, so here goes… Ben and all.
This week’s theme: Talking to yourself
I’ve noticed when I am stressed out that I talk to myself. I was worried this wasn’t normal, so I asked our friend and researcher, Joey, to investigate and tell me how abnormal self-talk is.
Joey found out that self-talk is actually very normal and healthy unless it's negative sounding, like:
“Why couldn’t you get that right?” or
“It’s all your fault.”
If it’s negative, it can lower your self-esteem. That’s when you go see someone.
Joey found this great TED Talk that explains more: Is It Normal to Talk to Yourself?
My favorite two quotes from it are:
“Engaging in self-talk that’s instructional or motivational has been shown to increase focus, boost self-esteem, and help tackle everyday tasks.”
And also,
“So the next time you find yourself chatting with yourself, remember to be kind. That inner voice is a partner you’ll be talking to for many years to come.”
Alfred: Sorry to interrupt here, but you now have a partner in addition to me?
Hannah: Yes, and I know you’re not jealous. It’s me being nice to me and helping me figure things out. It doesn’t make me weird, even when I am talking out loud.
Alfred: So now, I’ve got to ask. I am sure Ben hears you. What does Ben think?
Hannah: When I mentioned it, he shrugged his shoulders. Later, I got this text:
There is nothing new here, Hannah. Sorry to disappoint you. I talk to myself in every tennis match. I say things like, “Keep your head down,” or “You got this,” or “Move those feet.” I give myself reminders. If my timing is off, I say out loud, “bounce hit.”
Return. Then another text:
“I hope you weren’t thinking you were being original here.”
Alfred: That’s so Ben. It's smart, tennis-focused, and lets you know something is old news.
Hannah: Well, because of that, I decided I would make Ben be the one I interviewed.
Guest interview with my brother Ben
Hannah: Ben, thank you for agreeing to talk to me.
Ben: I’m your brother. You don’t need to thank me, but I will ask you to take a look at something I wrote for Ms. Parker’s class and see if it’s ok.
Hannah: Deal. Just tell me that after you wrote it, you took some time away and then came back to it.
Ben: I’d rather answer other questions, and I don’t have much time. I have team practice in an hour.
Hannah: Got it. Let me start with this. Does everyone on your team self-talk?
Ben: Out loud, you mean? Those are the only ones I know about, and the answer is, “All the good players all self-talk.”
Hannah: Is it distracting?
Ben: No, because I’m doing it too. Also, if I hear them, maybe I’ll pick up a weakness that I can use. If someone is saying, “Keep your head down,” then chances are I will lob him because he’s thinking down, and he actually needs to look up. He may be late to make the adjustment. Plus, I am now messing with his head.
Hannah: Do you ever do negative self-talk?
Ben: I try not to. I usually catch myself, but if I don’t, my game goes south. You know that book, The Inner Game of Tennis? That’s my bible. It warns players about getting too technical and negative. He refers to that as “self-criticism.”
Hannah: Do you ever worry you’re weird when you’re talking to yourself?
Ben: No, because I know that I am. You’re weird, too. But not because we self-talk. Just because we are. It’s OK. We’re at least interesting.
Hannah: Can you give me your final thoughts about self-talk?
Ben: Yes. Think of it as problem-solving and trying to stay focused. Talking to yourself is a good strategy to do that.
Hannah: Thank you. I appreciate your time. Have fun at practice. Email me your assignment. Since it’s clear you didn’t step away from it, I won’t be kind.
Ben: I wouldn’t expect you to be. Thanks. See ya!
Hannah and Alfred’s discovery
Alfred: Hannah, this was a great theme for you to bring to our attention. It reminded me of when Coach went away for two weeks. I did self-talk by creating Alfred 1 and Alfred 2, and then I wrote about it. It’s how I figured out what Coach and I would work on when he returned.
Hannah: I remember that. I was worried you had a split personality.
Alfred: Well, now I know from the Ted Talk that I was being the best partner to myself that I could be. I am going to share that idea with my mom. I hear her talking to herself all the time, things like, “Don’t forget to water the lawn,” or “Remember to pick up some milk after work.”
Hannah: Those sound like helpful and practical reminders.
Alfred: Yes, but the one I like least is when I’ve pushed her too far, and I hear my mom coaching herself. She’ll say, “Patience,” and she means “patience with Alfred.”
Hannah: Moms will be moms. We’ve got to love them, no matter. On a good day, we like them too.
Alfred: So next up is hearing from one of our readers, right?
Hannah: Yes and we have a reader whose name is Harvey, from Minnesota. He read your book and has some feedback, but he does it in the form of self-talk!
Alfred: Wow, who knew what trend we could be starting!
Reader’s Speak
Note: As it’s a rather long review of “Alfred’s Journey to Be Liked,” and this is a rather long letter, we will only show a piece of how Harvey used “Harvey 1” and “Harvey 2” to make his points.
Harvey 1: Like you said, this feels weird, but I thought it might be easier to talk to myself about this.
Harvey 2: Sure, but keep it simple so I can follow you, OK?
Harvey 1: No problem, so let’s start with what jumped out at you. What did you find that relates specifically to improving one's listening skills?
Harvey 2: OK…knowing the characteristics of a person who is a KNOW-BETTERER—a person who thinks they know it all. They are obviously not listening to anyone except their own remarks. Smart alecs don't have real friends.
Harvey 1: You're right. Since reading Alfred’s Journey, I've been identifying them in my own circle of friends. I think helps me be more tolerant of their one-way conversations. Do you have another?
Harvey 2: Certainly, “Walking In Someone Else's Shoes,” which is another name for empathy and is closely related to having a “Generous Spirit.” These are two key ingredients in any relationship if you truly want to listen and understand and get friends.
Harvey 1: Amen to that, but I think this review would take pages if we try to itemize one CHUNK—how Ebstein refers to chapters— from another. Anything else?
Harvey 2: Well, Granny plays a significant role in Alfred's development. She is the lynchpin for all the CHUNKS discussed. She is his bedrock of support. Everyone should have an adult like her in their growing-up years.
Harvey 1: Yes, for sure, and getting friends to like you is the number one issue for adolescents everywhere.
Hannah: Readers can see that in a real live example, Alfred and I seem to have inspired self-talk in someone who read our stories. It’s what writers dream of…
Quote of the day (Hannah’s turn)
This was difficult because there are two quotes I like so much. Then I remembered, Alfred, that you had two quotes last time, so I’m following your lead. I don’t have to pick.
Quote 1: What we think, we become. (Buddha)
I love this quote because it is very affirming and appeals to my imagination. In my case, what I think, I sometimes say, and then I hope it “becomes.” Also, this quote reminded me that Einstein observed that imagination is more important than knowledge. Thinking…imagination… talking to yourself…it all fits.
Quote 2: Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you're right (Henry Ford).
You might think this isn’t about self-talk, but for me, it is because I am always trying to convince myself that I can—like when I wrote the play Popposites. Self-talk is my way of saying, “I can.” If I say I can, then “I’m right.”
Alfred: Hannah, awesome job! Technically, you snuck in three quotes if you include Einstein. Either way, it’s a wrap.
Hannah: Yep, I was tricky. Readers, please let us know what you think and how you talk to yourself if, in fact, you do.
Alfred: And feedback is us. You can write a comment or grade us on a scale of 1 to 10, low to high for three areas. Remember, I seek to become your favorite quant jock.
Interesting, Likely to read the next letter, Likely to tell a friend.